Saint Vladimir's House of Pizza Worship

So it may come as a surprise to some of you, but your Supreme Ecclesiastical Leader, Pope Elise, did not arise from the sea foam like Venus. I have actual human parents. I apologize if your mind was just blown!

One of these parents, Our Earthbound Father (aka Rudy), has assigned himself the task of compiling a hymnal. One of the songs he’s chosen for our new religion is the Dean Martin classic “That’s Amore”. Of course this is a great choice, what with the lyrics “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s Amore”.

We are seeking suggestions from other Vladitians for songs we Pizza Worshippers can embrace. The song doesn’t have to mention pizza. Pope Elise is open-minded. But just as an FYI, extra points for suggestions from the catalogs of Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, The Beatles, The Monkees, The Mosquitos*, or Dragon Sound.
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*Bingo, Bango, Bongo and Irving

One of best things about St. Vlad’s is that our religion peacefully and happily coexists with other religions.  There are Vladitians who are Jewish, Christian, agnostic, Buddhist, atheist, Catholic… because there’s nothing to keep a person from practicing Pizza Worship as well as some other form of religion.  One can believe in the second coming of Christ AND pizza.   It’s all good, baby!

With that in mind, I noticed something odd from an article in the New York Times today.  The story was about those intrepid assholes folks who are still working tirelessly to oppose gay marriage. What struck me was this: “Opponents of same-sex marriage say they must argue in favor of traditional marriage, not against gay people or gay rights.”  Oh, I get it.  They have nothing against gays.  They are just pro-heterosexual unions.   D’oh!  These poor ignorant souls somehow got confused!  They think that it’s an EITHER/OR proposition.  Either we have “traditional marriage” or we have gay marriage.   But the fantastically amazing thing is that THEY ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!  When people get to marry a partner of the same gender, it actually does NOT keep anyone else from marrying someone of the opposite gender.  Just like Christianity & Pizza Worship, it can all coexist peacefully!

It’s really too bad no one cleared this up for these poor addled individuals a while ago.  As the line from Sixteen Candles goes, “Guess those guys who thought we had to get [gay] married feel pretty stupid right about now, huh Padre?”

Today’s reading is from the Book of Brady. “Tiger would only be brought in on the days he would shoot. In the fifth episode, Jan was sneezing and everyone thought she was allergic to the dog. Maybe this was foreshadowing of many stories where Jan didn’t fit in. Anyway, it eventually comes out that Jan is allergic to Tiger’s flea powder.”

I think that what we can all learn from this homily is that things aren’t always what they seem, people shouldn’t jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts, and why in the HELL was the Dog named Tiger?! A cat, I can see. A cat makes sense. But a dog?
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Praise be to Sherwood & Lloyd Schwartz for today’s quote from Brady Brady Brady.

Allegedly*, when L. Ron Bubbard wanted Scientololology to gain a foothold in respected American society, he decided Hey, we need to get some celebrity action up in this motherfucker! Or words to that effect.

So I was thinking man, we should get some hep cats to join St. Vlad’s. But who?! I came up with this list of desirables: Melissa McCarthy, Bill Maher, Ira Glass, Chris Kluwe, Sarah Vowell, Mindy Kaling, Jon Glaser, Hillary Clinton, and Wolfgang Loitzl.

LRB allegedly* promised his followers that if they recruited a genuine celebrity to his religion, he would reward them with a small plaque. Wha-at?! I can do better than that! I will give to any congregant who brings one of these sought-after stars to our fellowship a brand new DVD copy of the epic classic “Nail Gun Massacre”. I truly will. Pinky swear! Let the recruitment efforts begin!

*based on info in the superb book “Going Clear” by Lawrence Wright. Read it!

Hello to all who love and worship pizza! Welcome! We are excited that you took the time to check us out. We would love to offer you a blood orange margarita, but hey you’re not here so we will drink a couple for you. Because that’s the sort of thoughtful, caring, and inebriated ecclesiastical leaders we are.