Saint Vladimir's House of Pizza Worship

Woot! Pizza will definitely be cookin’ today. See you later Alligators!

Ok, pizza lovers, I know that scattered thunderstorms are predicted during our worship service on the 5th, but the party shall go on! 11-2. SATURDAY. If you show up today (the 4th) you will immediately be put to work. That dog shit in the yard’s not going to just magically disappear…

We will be on the back screened porch for the party (NOT front) if it’s raining. Norman will still make pizzas, while hopefully dodging lightening bolts.

See you soon!

Pope Elise

Saturday July 5th. 11am – 2pm.

Hi everyone! Gorgeous day for a pizza party! Come over between 11 and 2, and don’t forget your checkbook- the silent auction will be strange and wondero-ful!!

A warning though – twerking is forbidden at this event. Don’t even think about backing that ass up!

So as you probably know, this is an awesome show. I’ve been watching the first couple of seasons on Netflix. Hilarious writing, great acting. That’s not what this post is about, but it reminded me of something.

We recently built a jungle gym for the House of Pizza Worship’s east chapel, aka the backyard. Norman has been really getting into Crossfit and the jungle gym functions as a pull up station, place to do rope climbs, etc. Because Norman is a masochistic kind of a guy.

So I got to thinking tonight, after a few glasses of wine, that I should try to do a chin-up. This is still in the planning stage, mind you, because I’m exceedingly lazy. What I was wondering is: if I strain too hard (unlikely, but hear me out), is it possible that I could rip my arms off?

Please opine. Thanks!

OK, everyone- I managed to do everything on my “to-do” list except cleaning the house. Pizza vs. a neat house that we’re not even going to be in. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

See you all soon!

So as all of our acolytes residing in Eden* know, we had a huge storm exactly one week ago. The winds blew our giant old ash tree down – right on top of the pizza oven. Luckily St. Vladimir’s taint shone upon us and the only damage was to the chimney (praise be to his sacred pizza heart!). Trouble is, the damaged chimney was heavily mortared into the body of the oven. Waah wah.

Today, the intrepid Keeper Of The Flame (aka Norman) spent hours using a variety of tools –chisel, air chisel (nothing like an air guitar), hammer, sledgehammer– trying to rid our pristine pizza alter of its mangled chimney. His valiant efforts paid off and we now have a hobbled but chimney-free oven. I cheered him on silently from the sidelines with a whiskey-&-diet-coke at the ready, and by at the ready, I mean that I was drinking it. Ok, them. Whatever!

Anyways….with all we’ve been through on our pizza oven journey these last 2 years, I estimate that the average cost per pizza produced is about $97. But the memories? Priceless! Pizza brings people together, and that’s what it’s all about.**

*Minneapolis. It’s one of the 5 days a year when it’s sunny and 80 degrees!

** Yes, I do intend this as a legal challenge to the writer of the Hokey Pokey.

As you probably know, I watch a shitload of TV. But while I’m watching my shows, I’m often crafting. Because idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. I started thinking about this saying the other day. I mean, I like the fact that I can catch up on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and make fake leaves out of duct tape at the same time. It makes me feel productive and less like a pop-culture-guzzling sloth. But is that really what this adage is about?

I think what it’s really about is masturbation. If one is not, say, making fake leaves out of duct tape, one will naturally masturbate the day away. Come on, you know that if you weren’t petting your dog or cat, washing the dishes, or writing a thank-you note to your grandma for that birthday check, you’d be masturbating.*

Since one of my goals in life is to promote critical thinking, I implore you to consider other sayings and try to figure out what they are truly trying to teach us. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush” – is this a commentary about the two George Bushes? Or a suggestion that it might be time to, uh, trim up a bit down there to keep birds from nesting, in the event that you suddenly find yourself stranded at a nudist colony?

Something tells me this post won’t become the next Ethics Column in my company’s monthly newsletter.

*I’m talking to my male readers here.

The party is ON!! But please, let’s all wear clothes. Because there will be children present.

Rain should pass by at 5:15 so don’t come before then.

See you all soon!!! May St. Vladimir’s taint shine upon you!!!!

So as some of you may know, I used to write haiku movie reviews for an underground anarchists’ newsletter. That has nothing to do with this post.

I highly recommend the R-rated sketch comedy show on Comedy Central, “Inside Amy Schumer.” If you are squeamish about sex, scatological issues, or other R-rated sorts of things, please DO NOT watch this show. Please change your channel immediately to Disney, Nickelodeon, or PBS.