The party is ON!! But please, let’s all wear clothes. Because there will be children present.
Rain should pass by at 5:15 so don’t come before then.
See you all soon!!! May St. Vladimir’s taint shine upon you!!!!
So as some of you may know, I used to write haiku movie reviews for an underground anarchists’ newsletter. That has nothing to do with this post.
I highly recommend the R-rated sketch comedy show on Comedy Central, “Inside Amy Schumer.” If you are squeamish about sex, scatological issues, or other R-rated sorts of things, please DO NOT watch this show. Please change your channel immediately to Disney, Nickelodeon, or PBS.
Rosebud was his sled.
Rhett leaves her in the end.
The Ark of the Covenant ends up in some giant warehouse in Washington.
The Von Trapp family escapes from the Nazis.
Anne Frank does NOT escape from the Nazis.
Anne Frank probably would not have been a Belieber.
Lucy never lets Charlie Brown kick the football.
It’s possible that you are not as attractive as you think you are.
It’s also possible that you are MORE attractive than you think you are.
Your friends like you MORE than you think they do.
Love is all around, no need to fake it.
All you Minnesotan-Vladitians must be as tired of this never-ending winter as I am. It has been FAR too long since we fired up the oven and enjoyed some delicious pizza. This should be teaching us patience – which supposedly is a virtue. But the lesson I have learned instead is: Thank God I Have A Television. Because when you’re stuck inside for seven months, you really need something to see you through: Real Husbands of Hollywood, The Mindy Project, Ellen, The Walking Dead, Modern Family, The Colbert Report, Top Chef, Key and Peele, The Daily Show, Amazing Race…I could go on and on. “But Pope Elise,” you may be thinking, “when do you find time to clean your house, what with having a full-time job, running an important pizza-based religion, and watching hours of TV every day?” Well, Vladitians, we all have to make difficult choices in this short time we have on earth. And I have made those choices: I plan to do a ton of cleaning in the afterlife.
So last weekend I discovered glitter. Not “discovered” like “Columbus discovered America”…well actually it was kind of like that. Because glitter already existed, just like the North American continent already existed. I just hadn’t claimed it for my own yet. So I loaded up
3 ships my Subaru and went to the Edina, Minnesota JoAnn’s.
I’m gonna back up. Last Thursday Norman and I drove up to the House of Pizza Worship and noticed a lineup of 8 or 9 toddlers on our front sidewalk. It was like a chain gang, only much younger and WAY scarier. We realized that these tiny humans were from the nearby daycare, taking a walk and enjoying the warm (34 degrees F.) weather.
They had stopped by to admire the House of Pizza Worship’s yard art. I felt bad that, apart from some 69cent plastic Easter eggs from the thrift store, there was nothing new for these young hoodlums/lunatics to check out. I thought I should stick some new stuff out there so that their next visit wasn’t a giant fucking letdown. Thus – glitter!
In my search for what to make, I came across some dinosaur skulls. Possibly real…possibly plastic. Does it really matter?! They are now covered with pretty gold glitter, and I have possibly contracted a frightening case of Disco Lung. If even one of those toddlers enjoys them, though, it will not have been in vain.
So it may come as a surprise to some of you, but your Supreme Ecclesiastical Leader, Pope Elise, did not arise from the sea foam like Venus. I have actual human parents. I apologize if your mind was just blown!
One of these parents, Our Earthbound Father (aka Rudy), has assigned himself the task of compiling a hymnal. One of the songs he’s chosen for our new religion is the Dean Martin classic “That’s Amore”. Of course this is a great choice, what with the lyrics “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s Amore”.
We are seeking suggestions from other Vladitians for songs we Pizza Worshippers can embrace. The song doesn’t have to mention pizza. Pope Elise is open-minded. But just as an FYI, extra points for suggestions from the catalogs of Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, The Beatles, The Monkees, The Mosquitos*, or Dragon Sound.
*Bingo, Bango, Bongo and Irving
One of best things about St. Vlad’s is that our religion peacefully and happily coexists with other religions. There are Vladitians who are Jewish, Christian, agnostic, Buddhist, atheist, Catholic… because there’s nothing to keep a person from practicing Pizza Worship as well as some other form of religion. One can believe in the second coming of Christ AND pizza. It’s all good, baby!
With that in mind, I noticed something odd from an article in the New York Times today. The story was about those intrepid
assholes folks who are still working tirelessly to oppose gay marriage. What struck me was this: “Opponents of same-sex marriage say they must argue in favor of traditional marriage, not against gay people or gay rights.” Oh, I get it. They have nothing against gays. They are just pro-heterosexual unions. D’oh! These poor ignorant souls somehow got confused! They think that it’s an EITHER/OR proposition. Either we have “traditional marriage” or we have gay marriage. But the fantastically amazing thing is that THEY ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE! When people get to marry a partner of the same gender, it actually does NOT keep anyone else from marrying someone of the opposite gender. Just like Christianity & Pizza Worship, it can all coexist peacefully!
It’s really too bad no one cleared this up for these poor addled individuals a while ago. As the line from Sixteen Candles goes, “Guess those guys who thought we had to get [gay] married feel pretty stupid right about now, huh Padre?”
Today’s reading is from the Book of Brady. “Tiger would only be brought in on the days he would shoot. In the fifth episode, Jan was sneezing and everyone thought she was allergic to the dog. Maybe this was foreshadowing of many stories where Jan didn’t fit in. Anyway, it eventually comes out that Jan is allergic to Tiger’s flea powder.”
I think that what we can all learn from this homily is that things aren’t always what they seem, people shouldn’t jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts, and why in the HELL was the Dog named Tiger?! A cat, I can see. A cat makes sense. But a dog?
Allegedly*, when L. Ron Bubbard wanted Scientololology to gain a foothold in respected American society, he decided Hey, we need to get some celebrity action up in this motherfucker! Or words to that effect.
So I was thinking man, we should get some hep cats to join St. Vlad’s. But who?! I came up with this list of desirables: Melissa McCarthy, Bill Maher, Ira Glass, Chris Kluwe, Sarah Vowell, Mindy Kaling, Jon Glaser, Hillary Clinton, and Wolfgang Loitzl.
LRB allegedly* promised his followers that if they recruited a genuine celebrity to his religion, he would reward them with a small plaque. Wha-at?! I can do better than that! I will give to any congregant who brings one of these sought-after stars to our fellowship a brand new DVD copy of the epic classic “Nail Gun Massacre”. I truly will. Pinky swear! Let the recruitment efforts begin!
*based on info in the superb book “Going Clear” by Lawrence Wright. Read it!
Hello to all who love and worship pizza! Welcome! We are excited that you took the time to check us out. We would love to offer you a blood orange margarita, but hey you’re not here so we will drink a couple for you. Because that’s the sort of thoughtful, caring, and inebriated ecclesiastical leaders we are.